I would say that the most therapeutic and gently kind way I recovered from being raped 10yrs ago came through massage therapy. It was healthy beyond imagination to allow touch to heal what had been a physical assault to my body and soul. I remember often laying on that massage table sobbing the entire session while my therapist worked on me, glad that my walls were falling and my body was allowing her access to heal. When we started, I had such a terrible protective posture and my shoulder blades were locked tightly in position. So tight, in fact, it took a couple of months (going once or twice a week) for her to be able to move them at all. But over time, I came to body and spiritual wellness. I believe in the power of touch.

I continued in massage therapy for years, until Ava was born, because it was so good for me. Since then, I haven't honestly given myself that gift. Being a mom, I've given myself to everyone else. I've completely prioritized myself last. That's not working for me any more. My counselor encouraged me to do something good for myself for once. Something just for me. When she asked me what I thought I might do, I didn't have an answer. I'm not used to thinking about what I need, this has to change. She suggested that I try getting a massage. I busted out crying.

If you know me, you know that means she struck emotional gold, the tender place, the place of truth. When I had words again I told her yes, that I thought that I could do that. She gave me the number of her massage therapist.

Whose practice is called The Power of Touch.

I've always believed in the power of touch.

My appointment is Wednesday.

What just unfolded before me touched my heart. I was sitting on the front porch, eating a banana and drinking a glass of cold water while watching my kids ride their bikes in our driveway and cul-de-sac. They suddenly stopped because they saw a caterpillar. A small, white, fuzzy one was in our driveway. Isaiah got really close to it. Ava, afraid he was going to squish it, shouted, "don't kill it! It's a gentle creature, we should do something, it doesn't belong in the driveway." They discussed, between the two of them, what to do. And settled on using a leaf to gently scoop it up and put it, still on the leaf, in a green bush.

This proved problematic because there was a bit of a breeze. It took a long time, but finally, together, they gently got it on the leaf and as Ava began carrying it to the chosen bush, the caterpillar crawled off. He landed in some dirt. According to them, he crawled into some of the dirt. This made them sad, but Ava said, "Isaiah, I don't think he wants us to put him in the bush. Maybe he has a family." Isaiah concurred, "yeah, he just want his family." They left him alone and went back to their bikes.

For all of 30 seconds. Because Isaiah saw another caterpillar. This time they already had a plan and they went ahead with it. When they deposited the caterpillar on the leaf into the green bush, they were so excited! "We saved a creature! Now he can grow into a butterfly with all the nutrients he needs! Doesn't it feel good to save a life, Isaiah?" Ava said.

They walked inside discussing how important all living creatures are and how we should protect them. All.

And I feel like maybe I'm doing a good job afterall.

I really effin hate nightmares. I'm officially psychologically damaged for the rest of the day. #2 worst bad dream, ever. #1 was when I was pregnant, so I could at least blame hormones for such horrendous lucidity. I have no such excuse this time.

...in a mood.

That moment when your 7 year old casually informs you that your 19 y/o babysitter is gonna be a mommy. 0_o

...through further questioning of Ava, I learned that Anna (the sitter) told her that a baby is in her tummy. And that she's one month pregnant. We met her boyfriend once, he's a marine. Oh boy...

The things you learn from your kids!

I want to have control over my own comments. If I leave a comment on someone else's page, I want to be able to delete it if I want to. It should be my prerogative.

I want to have control over my own comments. If I leave a comment on someone else's page, I don't want them to be able to edit it and change my words entirely while still attributing them to me. Particularly since there is no notification that a change was made. All appearances indicate that a comment is originally as it was made by the person whose name is beside it. Which can also be forged.

I want to have control over my own comments. If I leave a comment on someone else's page, I want to be notified if I get a reply to my own comment. It's just polite.

I want to have control over my own comments. I call that intellectual property. And it's mine.

Speaking of Coffee, I used to live in Coffee County, Georgia. Fact. From '92-'99ish. I know I graduated high school there in '98 but that I started college somewhere else in '99. Yes I took a year off. Why? Because people are judgmental buttheads when it comes to unconventional decisions perceived to be "lower" than expected. It took time for me to fight the good fight and decide the good decisions.

That was a tangent.

COFFEE.

I think I am becoming an adult. Finally. How do I know this? I can now enjoy a good cuppa Joe. This is the standard of what it means to be an adult - didn't you know?! But a good cup of it has been hard for me to figure out. My tastes are acquiring and the thing is, I have a sensitive tongue.

hahahaha lol lol lol (OK maybe I'm not so mature yet)

I'm damn picky, but it's hard to describe. I will try. Lend your knowledgeable ears, friends, Romans, and Countrymen.

Coffee usually tastes too watery. By this I do not mean it isn't strong enough. I mean it feels thin. Watery. Like tea feels. Don't get me wrong, I love tea (loose leaf FTW). But when coffee feels thicker, nuttier (lol hahahaha!), I like it more.

So what is my deal? I don't know enough about coffee to understand what it is I like or don't. That makes it hard for me to know before I put it in my mouth (LOL!) if I'm gonna like it. Help me out. It isn't that the coffee isn't strong enough, it's that it isn't thick enough.

I guess I like all things in my mouth to be thick and dark. (Right, Riis? Too far?) LIKE CHOCOLATE AND COFFEE. I'm just talking about about coffee. Immature brats.

Like, would a French Press help me out? Or, I read that getting a cone filter and boiling my own water and pouring and stirring it myself into this cone filter would yield a thicker brew. Which sounds a little pain-in-the-buttish. Get me started with this conversation, I will be commenting and commenting back.

HELP ME DRINK GOOD COFFEE. My mouth (and tongue) needs you. Specifically. Yes you.

Alone on the back deck, a crisp Autumn breeze blows. It's the first I've felt in a long time. As I sip my warm herbal tea, because I'm fighting off a cold, Stairway To Heaven plays in the background mixed with the orchestra of crickets and other buggy sounds, and it takes me back to another time. Probably the last time I remember feeling the true crisp Autumn breezes.

Once upon a time, I lived alone in the beautiful city of Boston.

It was only for 9 months. From August '02 to May '03. I was 22. A new college grad. Boston Medical Center had hired me, they'd waited, in fact, for me to graduate and move from Atlanta. Sweet southern girl, 5'1" and I didn't even crack 100 pounds. I knew no one. But I was determined to make my way. I had a good head on my shoulders, a great career before me, and supportive family back home.

Make it, I did. There were bumps along the way, no doubt. But this was my personal journey and I grew as a human, as a woman, and as an individual. But I specifically remember this feeling...

Sitting on the giant rocks outside my apartment looking at the landscape. Alone. The crisp Autumn breeze blowing.

Breathing.

Watching.

You are hard and dark

when I lovingly pass you through my lips.

Sweet and warm,

you begin to melt on my tongue.

As I suck and savor,

the taste and experience intensifies

until it can no longer be tolerated.

And blissfully I swallow.

Something really surprised me in therapy on Wednesday. My counselor said I was attracted to bad boys. I was like, nuh-unh. She was all, uh-huh. She was referring to Josh.

*Mindblown*

Really? Is this true? How long has it been true?! He can't be a bad boy, he is a military man, in law enforcement. A rescuer, a hero. She just looked at me and said, "the military is inherently a place for bad boys." WHAT! I argued eloquently, with just one word.

I continued, "No. The Coast Guard is different. They are rescuers. Their symbol is a shield, not a sword. They are protectors."

She replied, "Have you ever been to the Beirut Memorial here? 'They came in peace.' The Marines are not just a sword either. No military branch is solely aggressive in nature. All have protective, peaceful services too. You should visit the Memorial sometime."

Humbled, I sat in silence.

And I thought.

Why was I attracted to Josh to begin with? What bad boy element might I find if I looked for it? What would I have needed from a bad boy at all?

The answers, to my complete shock, came flooding to me. Why him? Why a military man? Because I felt protected. Who better to guard me than a professional.

Bad boy elements? Sure. If I try, I can find 'em. He was a drag racer. We snuck around. He took me to racetracks late at night. There was nothing stock about his sponsored car, which was obnoxiously loud and kind of annoyed me. He smoked Black & Milds when he drank. Never around me, though. He has close to, maybe more than, 20 tattoos. When we went places, girls freaking hated my guts. And that was because he didn't give one hot damn about them, his eyes (and hands) were on me.

Well crap. I did pick a bad boy. A bad boy who I knew would be a skilled, trained protector. A bad boy doesn't, it turns out, exclude law enforcement. How silly that I'd defined it so.

And here's the part where I'll relate it to others. Why do good girls, or any girls, pick bad boys? I can only speak for myself when I tell you that it's because there is an inherent need to feel that you're with someone who can protect you when or if it becomes necessary - and not get himself killed in the process. That is a turn on, to know that he very literally has your back and you have nothing to fear. Because then? You can close your eyes, open your arms, and let go. Let it all go. There is nothing more freeing than that. And that is the real attraction to bad boys. Freedom. It's primal.

Happy Friday the 13th.

Not that I'm crazy savvy, but I have been asked by more than one person for some help with Xanga 2.0. I will take a few screenshots and see what I can do as succinctly as possible.

#1. LINKING YOUR NAME

Many of you know this already (so skip this redundancy UNLESS YOU HAVE AN UNDERSCORE IN YOUR NAME because I've seen this over and over). When we leave comments, it's nice for our names to link back to our pages. Here's how:

Click Edit My Profile

Then scroll down until you see a place to enter your website. **IMPORTANT NOTE** If you have an underscore in your name, your new xanga site has a dash in place of the underscore. If you underscore your new link, IT WILL NOT WORK.

Type in your xanga site. OR if you have another site (if you aren't a paying 2.0 member yet) you can also enter it here and when you comment, people can still find you. NEAT!

Once you do that, don't forget to scroll down further and click the blue UPDATE PROFILE button (or the change won't save).

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#2. FOLLOWING/HOW TO FOLLOW

In order to have stuff to read, we must now "follow" our Xanga friends. Here is how to follow someone:

On their Xanga page, look below their big icon. There should be a Follow link. Click it.

Once you've done that, they are now here in your FOLLOWING tab:

From here, you can also manage who FOLLOWS YOU (your followers)!! Click the Followers link and you can see who reads your updates. Like this:

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#3. PRIVACY LOCKS!!!

This is the crux of many Xangan issues. Either you don't know how to do this or don't understand what the locks are. I will show you how to manage this, but I BEG YOU NOT TO USE FOLLOWERS LOCK!!!!! Please do NOT use it until there is a way to request becoming a follower from outside the approved list. Otherwise, there is no way in and no way of notifying the user that you're there. It's a brick wall and PREVENTS friends from finding you, reading you, messaging you, anything. This is not worked out yet with 2.0. PLEASE DON'T USE FOLLOWERS LOCK! But here's how to manage the privacy settings anyway.

1. On the left, with your mouse, HOVER over ADVANCED.

2. Click Privacy Settings on the drop box that appears.

From here, you have very basic choices. I have MY site set on sign in lock. Only Xangans can visit me. It doesn't matter what Xangan. Random people from the internet can't. It's my personal thought that this is the most secure option WHILE we try to REBUILD the COMMUNITY aspect of Xanga.

Because if you use FOLLOWERS lock, you will NOT be participating with the community. And BOO on you for that.

Use the drop down box to select the privacy setting you desire. And click Save Changes.

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My brain is dead. I have no idea what else to guide about.