August 19, 2013
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When Marital Therapy Fails
It's easy to say, or really believe, that when a marriage is in crisis the number one thing you need to do is get help. Get into marital counseling. I've long been an advocate for it myself. Four and a half years ago it was what got us through (or past, I should say) our first crisis. But we didn't finish our sessions, though there were only 6 to begin with. Why?
There were lots of compelling reasons (and man, we were doing so much better!) but the worst was complacency. We were 4 sessions in when Isaiah was born. We were actually semi-trying to get all of the therapy completed before his birth, but he came slightly early at 38wks. Why did this prevent or discourage further treatment? The military. They had been waiting on his birth for Josh's transfer.
The transfer to Texas. A.K.A. The years of hell.
And so began the complacency rut. The hole was already there because we were not fully out of our original marital crisis. Back-burner. Neglect. Prolonged separations (his job). Denial. Disengagement.
4 years passed. We could have gotten back into counseling in Texas. We didn't make it a priority, though. We chose not to.
I fully believed that once we moved, things would magically get better. I of course see the error in this thought (this fragile hope) now. It's also why things came to such a head in what seemed like such a small amount of time when we moved to North Carolina this June - the realization that it wasn't the situation (and oh, how I'd blamed the situation. I blamed it. I blamed the job, the schedule, the area, everything). But it was us. It was our marriage.
So here we are, deep in crisis. Deep in it. It seems inescapable. We cried out for help. Marital therapy. We got 12 sessions.
7 sessions in, we were not at all better. It seemed to be getting even worse (inconceivable). We were barely beginning to get through the surface, and it just wasn't working. Marital therapy, you see, doesn't work when you aren't individually healthy for each other anymore.
So with our therapist's approval, we called it quits.
When marital therapy fails does that mean your marriage is irrevocably broken? Not necessarily.
Because when marital therapy fails, individual therapy begins. Where that road leads is anyone's guess. But emotionally broken people can't contribute to a healthy relationship. Ultimately, individual health is of paramount importance. For me. For my kids. Even for our family. Regardless of the relationship status.
When we fell in love, we were individually healthy people. We didn't fall in love with brokenness. Brokenness doesn't keep a marriage together. Individually healthy people do. No blame. No more hurting. Ownership of ourselves, even in this emotionally abusive marriage. (Yes. Somewhere along the line, that's what changed. And if you really knew me, surely you picked up on some aspect of that loss of self - and surely, hopefully, you can have compassion for imperfect emotional eggshells.)
Comments (11)
I think you'll understand me when I say that, although you're in a bad place (emotionally), I can tell you're in a good place (mentally). I think it was incredibly insightful of you to recognize the obstacle to success in your marital counseling. Have you signed up for that class together?
@MyxlDove - I do understand. And I am listening.
No we haven't signed up yet for the class. One step at a time. My job today is schedule a new, individual, therapist.
This sounds rough.
I've strongly considered marriage therapy and we just haven't got around to it. Todd seems embarrassed and refuses to go. You're right, it is impossible to work on something together when you have individual problems.
@LondonsMommy@momaroo - if you wait too long it just gets deeper and more difficult to fix if possible at all. If he won't go, you still can. Someone must be healthy. For yourself and London, and the little bunny in the oven too. Don't depend on him for your emotional health. This is the lesson. Because when you have greater understanding, greater compassion exists. With greater compassion in your marriage, he may be more willing, too. But in the meantime, YOU are attended to (by yourself and your therapist guide).
You hit the nail on the head. Emotionally unhealthy people can not have an emotionally healthy relationship, (unless one of the people is a saint!). Recognizing the problem is the first step in finding a solution. I will keep you both in my prayers.
@Aloysius_son - Even if one partner is a saint it still creates an emotional vacuum for one to be healthy and continually giving out. The saint will inevitably, at some point, empty. And there's a void at that point. The healthy person gave until she absorbed his emptiness... but I digress. I'm talking about myself again.
I would really appreciate the prayers, the thoughts, well wishes, all of it. Because it all originates in love and care - resources I'm sorely low on. So thank you. Sincerely.
Very wise thoughts here. Hugs!
best of luck
this really resonated with me... <3
I hope something starts to work!!!
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