July 14, 2013

• A Dream Fulfilled

  My favorite book when I was a little girl was Misty of Chincoteague. I'm pretty sure I read every book in the series, over and over again. I loved these books but mostly, I loved the horses. I already have a special connection to the water, you already know that. The Atlantic particularly speaks to me, relaxes me, just generally makes me feel joy. I've never known why, who am I to question it too closely? Better to just go with it and enjoy the connection that I feel has been given to me.

  When we lived in Jacksonville, Florida, Josh was out with his crew off the coast of Cumberland Island. They saw wild horses there. When he told me about it, my heart leapt. I've always, always, wanted to see wild horses like that. To be so close? It excited me! I thought that my little girl fantasies were going to come true, because he promised me he would take me back. Someday.

  Years passed. That day never came. We moved away (to Texas). The opportunity was lost, and with a sigh, I put my dreams on hold.

  4 more years passed, the years of spiritual and physical wasteland. The years in Texas. But we pulled through, and now? It's a whole different world here in coastal North Carolina.

  This morning, I woke up late after having slept in (oh blessed sleep when you have kids). Josh told me that we were "going somewhere" today. It was a surprise. Yes, it certainly was a surprise - this has never happened in our entire relationship. So I got up, showered, got dressed, and in the truck we hopped for a destination unknown. At least, it was unknown to me.

  We drove for about an hour and a half, to a city I'd never been to. And then we, all four of us (the kids, Josh, and I) boarded a small boat. This was pre-planned.

  We were taken to a barrier island where wild horses roam free.

  They dropped us off and would return about three hours later to ferry us back to the mainland.

  We hardly knew where to begin, but we just started walking. I sort of took the lead, because I became a woman possessed. I needed this. I needed to find these horses. My soul needed it. I knew it so deeply that almost nothing else mattered. So I followed where my instinct led me.

  The children walked behind me, and Josh behind them. I walked along what I believed with all my heart were horse trails in the tall beach grass. Narrow. Just paths where the grass had been trodden on like a finger dragging a line through wet sand. I don't know how I thought I would know, I've never met a horse in my life - that was a part of the dream: to meet and discover horses, but not just any horse, a horse in the wild. Not just because they were horses but because they were free.

  I know we were on the right path. I know we were. But the paths became more rustic and natural than the kids were ok walking though, and I was in flip flops myself - when I'd gotten dressed, I hadn't known what we'd be doing or where we would be going. The sun began beating down on us. We were far enough from the coast that the breeze no longer blew. It was time to regroup. We were on top of a dune, so had good perspective on where we were on the island. Josh called it, and we decided to walk back to the ocean. We'd been told the horses were deep in hiding today, no one had reported seeing any at all. It was disappointing, but damn if we weren't hot. And because the kids were with us, I knew I couldn't just persist in my personal journey to find my wild horses. Not today. We gave up and walked back to the shores.

  The ocean was rough on that side of the island. I walked knee-deep in the waves along the shoreline as the kids and Josh walked on the sand. Having thoroughly accepted that it wasn't meant to be, I had decided to just enjoy this moment anyway. It was a beautiful beach, and the water felt amazing. After about 30 minutes of walking along the shoreline, Josh quietly said my name. "Sarah. I see one. Over this dune."

  When we quietly walked over the dune, we saw that it wasn't just one. There were 12 of them. No one else found any, but we accidentally came upon twelve. It was meant to be, fated. What else?

  

  We saw them at a little bit of a distance. I had to get closer, it was necessary. I walked slowly, the wind beginning to dry the hem of my dress which had been soaked in the ocean. The kids came with me to a certain point, but I didn't want them to come as close as I wanted to get, because I knew there was an inherent risk involved. A risk they shouldn't take or wouldn't know how to react to anyway, should any craziness happen.

  

  In the middle was the youngest of the horses. To me, she behaved in a very bizarre way. She just stood there in that spot, not moving, staring, for what seemed like ever. Really, it was probably 20 minutes. She finally shook herself out of her trance, whatever it was, and walked on. I worried about her.

  

  One of the first things I noticed, and it saddened me deeply, was that they are all branded and numbered. My cognitive self wants to reason that there must be some preservation cause for this. But I hate it, and don't know why it's still practiced. Call me whatever you want, but when I got my tattoo, I volunteered for it and sat in the chair of my own volition. No one had to rope me in, or whatever other means they had to do in order to burn these horses. I did not like it, and my heart went out to these magnificent creatures who were just minding their business when someone decided that wild and free meant numbered and charted.

  

  How was I so close? I walked to within about 10-15 feet. And stood still. We, these horses and I, occupied the same space on this earth, on this beach. They did not mind me. They noticed me, not doubt. Some walked closer, most walked right beside me. I was, for a time, surrounded by them.

  Maybe I'm crazy. But I felt that they accepted me. I don't know anything about horses, but my instincts and my inner voice listened to them. One of the males walked so close to me I could have touched him without even outstretching my hand all the way. But I did not. I restrained myself, although I desired very much to touch him. Because though I was accepted, I did not feel they had given me permission to feel them. 

  

  Josh and the kids walked a little bit away from me and the small group I was submersed in (there were 4, they aren't all in the picture). They walked over and saw this beautiful mare, who later stood and joined her group as they moved away from their grazing.:

  

  While they were gone, I made friends with a special girl. She and I sort of danced around each other as she ate. We spent a long time together. I watched how she shuffled the sand around the grass and pulled the wetter roots out to eat them. With my hands, I emulated her action and put a pile of wet-rooted grass a few feet in front of her that I'd pulled. It took a few minutes, but she slowly sniffed it out and she ate it. I asked her if I could take her picture. This is the video I took, then. *video note: When I panned out a little to see the other horses, I walked away from her because having turned away, I didn't know if she would walk upon me. I didn't want her to approach me without me knowing it. We were equally wary and comfortable with each other.

  Shortly after this, it was time to head back to the other side of the island to be ferried back to the mainland. We'd need to hurry to make it before they left. I whispered goodbye.

  I don't think it was really goodbye, though. More like, see you later, friend.

  And so it was, a childhood dream was fulfilled. There are no accidents.

  

   

  • 9:27 pm
  • 8 Comments