Here's my day.

I stayed up most of last night stressed the f out. That's because this morning, at 8:30, Isaiah had an appointment for "some" immunizations. I don't know if you know how I feel about this issue but let me back up and explain so you can understand my deep struggle.

I believe in most vaccines. I don't believe in the schedule (or amount, generally) that we routinely give our kids, as protocol per the CDC and AAP - who are bedfellows in $$ and research with the immunization companies like Merck. It is too much, too soon, for immature immune systems, and sometimes, the dose given to an infant is the same given to an adult and that just seems so obviously stupid I don't know why people don't question it. So I delayed some of Isaiah's immunizations. He did not begin his immunizations at all until he was 2 months old. Why do we vaccinate newborns, before they are out of the hospital, for a sexually transmitted disease (Hepatitis B)??

It's just a question. I ask these questions as a parent who has a vested interest in her children. And as a woman who has spent her adult professional life working in healthcare.

Another issue for me is where 3 (at least) of these vaccines come from and what is in them, MRC-5. I don't know if you know what that is, but you can look at the ingredient list posted anywhere of these vaccines and you can find that it's real. MRC-5 (and there's another strain that is similarly used, and gotten the same way, but this is the most common) is human fetal lung cells from a baby boy electively aborted at 14wks.

Rubella, Hepatitis (I can't recall which one off the top of my head), and Varicella vaccines are all derived from these cells. We are injecting aborted cells into our childrens' bodies.

Morally, this is heavy.

Ethically, we have to ask when these cells will run out? When will they no longer be able to replicate properly? And what next? Another "donor" will be harvested?

I can only answer this problem simply, after immeasurable struggle. I thank the nameless baby boy for his sacrifice, as though he were an organ donor, and accept his gift of protection against deadly diseases.

But what if the disease isn't deadly? Varicella. Chicken pox is only deadly for immuno-compromised and elderly patients. All of us in our generation had chicken pox. I had a sucky, itchy week. The end. I now have lifelong immunity, with a small chance of developing shingles later on. That normally occurs when, for some reason, the virus reactivates. That means the immunity weakened.

The Varicella Vaccine. Since it has been pushed on the public in the '90s, they've noticed something interesting. The shingles cases are going up. Way up. Even in demographics never seen before. Some children develop it (rare).

How? Immunity is known to work like boosters. Our grandparents had chicken pox as children. Immunity. Then, when they grew up, they had children who got chicken pox. They were re-exposed to it - immunity booster. Now our children come along, no chicken pox. No more exposure. No more immunity boost.

Shingles.

But don't worry, Merck made a vaccine for that, too. They getcha in the beginning, cause another problem, and get you in the end, too. When the disease was not a fatal one to begin with. But shingles? Much more fatal.

So I have a problem with vaccines that are for diseases that are not life-threatening. Flu. Pneumonia (past a certain age). Varicella. I'm sure soon I'll have to deal with the HPV issue.

These vaccines which are made from human fetal cells.

I delayed Isaiah's immunizations, some of them. He got behind, I knew it would happen, but I also knew that at a certain age, around 6 or 7, he'd naturally catch up. Of course I got crap about it from our old pediatrician, but I'm informed and it surprised them.

We moved here, got a new pediatrician. They had their first appointment last week. I was sick. Josh took them instead. They tried to "catch" Isaiah up all at once. They wanted to give him 5 vaccines. Josh knew I'd have a hissy fit from hell if he said ok to that, so he consented to "just two" and made an appointment for "the rest" today.

He consented to varicella/MMR and hepatitis vaccines. Isaiah came home with two bandaids.

I've struggled, and I mean I have sweat in my stress over it, with what to do when today came. As I mentioned, I didn't sleep last night. But the time came. He still "needed" his DTaP, polio, and pneumococcal vaccines. I'd decided to try and compromise. I was going to refuse the pneumoccal. It's his 4th dose, it's for bacterial pneumonia, and once he's 5 (in 7 months), he's too old to get it anyway. I got there and was informed, oh no, the polio and pneumoccal vaccines are combined.

Which is what had happened with the varicella vaccine. Josh said yes to it because it was combined with the MMR. What they do is combine it with a vaccine that Is irrefutably good. Then what? How do you decline? Maybe you can get a dr office to special order separate vaccines. Good luck with that.

There is no such thing as informed consent, because there is no such thing as acceptable refusal. And so he got the vaccines I did not want him to have.

And it is done. I felt like my rights were taken away from me. I felt like I had no choice. I felt forced to "consent" for medical treatment I did not think the benefit outweighed the risk for. And THAT is supposed to be the mark of good medical treatment - where the benefit outweighs the risk.

I took him to get ice cream after, as I promised him I would. He wanted a soft serve ice cream cone from McDonalds. We went. They told me it would be "30 minutes" before the machine was ready. They wanted to play on the playground anyway, so I ordered a coffee and said I'd wait to order the ice cream. 5 minutes later they informed me they "decided" not to serve ice cream on their "breakfast menu" and would not allow me to order it until lunchtime.

F you McDonalds.

The kids played while I waited for my already ordered and paid for coffee, dammit. Then we left for Chic-fil-A. Yes, they serve ice cream "for breakfast." Joy of joys. They ate their ice cream and went to play in the playground there, since we'd been cut short at McDonalds. There were 3 other kids in there with mine, no adults. One of the kids was harassing Isaiah over his professed Halloween costume "black Power Ranger" which the other kid insisted was stupid because there was no such thing.

I schooled the brat's ass on that with a nice, smiling picture on my phone.

An employee came in, "M'aam, you have to leave the play area because you have a coffee. The sign says no food or beverages." I said, "It's closed with a lid, I'm away from the action, an adult who doesn't spill anymore, and the sign also says not to leave children unattended."

She gave me a speech and a half whilst blocking the door. Thanks Chic-fil-A.

I chugged the rest of the coffee, threw the cup in the trash, and went back in. Like a spiteful witch. By now, I'd had it. I freaking DARE someone to say something else to me.

After a while, we left. The gas light turned on. Great. We're low this month too. What is it about October? It's ok, we have $70 in the bank, I'll just get $20 which should do me until Thursday - payday. I swiped my card at the pump. Denied. WTF!!!!!

I went inside. Told the attendant I want $20 on pump 5. Swiped. Accepted. Yeah. I pumped my cursed gas...

Got home. Oops. Isaiah had an accident in his bed last night. Bunk beds are especially fun for that.

Over it.

When I was little, I had this stuffed penguin. I loved this thing, seriously. I vividly remember it. I even remember a gray dirt mark on his white stomach from where I used to take him outside with me to play. In this picture, I am holding my penguin. I was 6. It was winter in Jacksonville, FL.

This was taken shortly before we moved to Alabama. You know, the move where I waved goodbye to my boyfriend through the back window of our moving van as he sat on his bike in the middle of our street. 6 year old soul mates... I wonder what happened to him. What he became.

I also wonder what happened to my penguin. Because I don't remember it after Jacksonville. Perhaps I had it in Alabama? I have no memory of it. It's funny, I associate my long-lost, precious penguin with my long-lost 6 year old love.

Memories have a funny way of romancing us.

But in this picture, I still have my penguin, and I haven't waved goodbye yet.

I have decided that parenting is totally bipolar. The emotions and moments you have with kids are often extreme and swing total 180s in seconds. Example: I was totally proud and enamoured with Ava's intelligence when she, out of the blue, asked me why we call things that are see through "transparent" when "parent" means mom or dad. I mean, that's genius shit for a second grader. Less than 5 minutes later, I had to send her to her room because of my extreme frustration with her lack of concentration with her schoolwork, she simply was not trying. At all. Stuff she's done for 2 years she suddenly couldn't figure out in math. It's like, you've got to be kidding me, I know you know this. I know for a fact you know this. Who does she think she is fooling? It isn't me.

So I went from being extremely proud to extremely frustrated in just moments. She was genius one second and ignorant the next. WTF?

It's really damn bipolar being a parent. That's what is so exhausting as they get older. When they're babies it's exhausting because of the lack of sleep. But as they age, it's because they spin you around in emotional circles and it's mentally challenging to try and right yourself and them at the same time. Sometimes, kids get time out because mom and dad need the break. That's the real parenting truth.

Isaiah has always been in love with the Pink Power Ranger. Now it's reached a new, I think, shocking level.

"Me want to die." Why?? His sister told me it's because he wants to meet the Pink Power Ranger who died. He repeated, "Me want to die." Then ran away singing go, go Power Rangers.

:-/

EDIT: I just watched a youtube video of the scene. It's pretty damn heartbreaking. No wonder. This is what I get for letting him watch an episode I didn't.

Me: I'm a little scared to watch the new American Horror Story season.

Josh: Well, if you weren't a little baby back bitch...

 Haven't heard that one in like 10 yrs.