July 2, 2013
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Moving and Why It's Like the Xangapocalypse
I've moved a lot in my lifetime. Not just small, across the town moves. I was born in Laguna Hills, CA. My mother tells stories of lying on the roof watching as the Blue Angels practiced their air stunts close to our house and of splashing water as small earthquakes shook us in the bathtub. My parents were in the ministry at the time. I believe they were involved in Campus Crusade for Christ. At any rate, when I was 1, we moved to Houston, TX.
From TX, I hear stories of playing with MLB players and their families because my dad was the chaplain for the Houston Astros. One of the favorite stories to tell was of the first big screen tv we'd seen, and it was at Nolan Ryan's house (we were there, I'm guessing, for the '81-'82 season). I obviously don't remember that. Or CA. My mother hated Houston more than any other place she'd ever lived, or has lived since (I agree with her sentiment now as an adult who spent the last 4 years outside Beaumont TX which is an hour and a half away from Houston), and after one baseball season, we moved to Kentucky.
My first memories are of Kentucky. They are more like memories of scenes, I was still very young. I remember grassy hills, mostly. A flash of a memory of a tricycle. Of older sisters riding down a hill on their bikes. When I was 4, we moved again. To Jacksonville, FL.
I remember almost everything about Jacksonville. From finding that infamous shoulder mole for the first time with my dad, to my first "boyfriend." Even then, I was the faithful type. We were true to each other all through kindergarten and first grade. We planned to grow up and marry each other. We held hands. We were never, ever going to kiss, kissing was GROSS. We took tons of teasing from my older sisters and his older brothers. And, in the middle of first grade, we had to move again. He rode his bike over to my house that day. As the remainder of our things were packed up on the truck, we sat in the grass in the front yard and held hands. Watching. I don't remember saying much, either of us. The time came, and with the rest of my family, I got in our van. As we drove away, I turned around backwards in my seat waving goodbye to him out of the back window. He sat on his bike alone in the street. And then, we turned a corner, and he was gone. We moved to Alabama.
We lived in Alabama from January '87 until summer '92. We moved to south Georgia. I was 12. I was already on my 6th move.
We stayed in south Georgia until around '98. The year I graduated high school. We moved to west Georgia, closer to Atlanta.
I went to college there. My father passed away there, in 2001. And in 2002, I graduated from college. I had a job waiting for me. It was an adventurous job. All I had was a plane ticket, a (very full) suitcase, and a piece of paper with the address of the hospital I'd work at, the manager to call when I landed, and an address of the apartment they were giving me. I boarded that plane, and I moved to Boston, MA on my own. Not knowing anything about where I was going. But ready to fly on my own.
I stayed in Boston for 9 months. It was the most changing 9 months of my life. I moved, at the end of my contract, back home to Georgia to recover.
After my sabbatical was over, I got a new job. It probably isn't a surprise to some of you where I chose to be. I found a job at a beach hospital. Yes, that was my criteria. An Atlantic Ocean beach hospital. I moved to Jacksonville, FL. It's where I met Josh. It's where Ava and Isaiah were born. And, after some years there, we moved with Josh to fuckin' Texas.
4 years of abandonment later..... a few weeks ago, we moved to coastal North Carolina. It's a much better situation.
So how many moves is that? I have moving experience. You get what I'm laying down? Now you know my history, if you didn't know all of it (or any of it) before. I know what it's like to physically move. All the ins and outs of it. That includes what it does to people and to relationships.
And this is the crux of the picture I'm painting. When a move is looming, friends, even friends you thought were close friends, do one of two things. They either relax into the transition, knowing that goodbyes are not forever and they embrace you as you make plans together. Or...
They pull away.
They don't know how to deal with it. They can't deal with their own feelings in it. Their own fears. Their own vulnerabilities. And in the fear of losing friendship and feeling loss, they CAUSE the friendship to break.
How does it break? They pull away so strongly out of what they think is "protection" of themselves. They find other "friends" immediately. These are replacement friends, and are often shallow relationships that serve as a distraction in order to numb themselves.
Does anyone see where I'm going with this?
All of these things happened to us when we moved from Texas. When we moved, no one gave a flying fuck. We got no goodbyes. Not a single one. Not from the friend I'd considered like a sister. She turned completely heinous. And has still not said one word.
There are some changes that we can't stop. I couldn't stop the fact that we were moving to North Carolina - we had military orders. Hell, I didn't want to. Texas was death to me as it was.
Whether we can stop the Xangapocalypse remains to be seen. But we can't stop what has already occurred, and that's the mass exodus. I cannot believe that the place where xangans have mostly gathered is facebook. Facebook, the anti-Xanga. The place that is structured to be a popularity contest. Where you give one liners. Where if your post is more than like 3 sentences, most won't read it. How could a bunch of bloggers accept such a poor (non) substitute to a blogging platform?? I'll stop my facebook feelings there, you all know it. And you know I will not follow you. If you have chosen that as your network, you already know you have chosen to walk away from me.
That's where I'm going with this. When a move is looming, friends, even friends you thought were close friends, do one of two things. They either relax into the transition, knowing that goodbyes are not forever and they embrace you as you make plans together. Or... they pull away.
I'm disgusted, and more than that, I'm hurt. I'm hurt that while you abandoned ship, you didn't look back to see if I even had a life vest.
I'm the kind of friend who embraces, accepting the transition while making plans together. How many of you did that with me? How many of you went ahead and jumped? You broke away and found a new shallow friend to distract you in order to numb yourself from the real change.
The xangapocalypse IS exactly like physically moving. It has hurt friendships and relationships in exactly the same way. Online, in real life, it still hurts to be abandoned.
Comments (21)
I see lots of hurt and anger all around. Those who are leaving are mad at Xanga and some of those are rude to those staying. Those who are staying are mad at those leaving with some being rude to those leaving.
This is to be expected - this happens like you said to real physical communities too.
Being angry is a mask for being hurt. It's easier to front a frown which makes parting easier than tears which brings to pain for all to the surface.
If Xanga 2.0 makes it out the door, at least all our contacts/subs will remain intact- which is better than an abrupt termination.
A lot of these issues could have been avoided if Xanga had approached us as a community before announcing and taking action on hard plans.
@SoullFire - The thing is, putting up a front, a mask, doesn't change what feelings are real on the inside. So it doesn't actually spare anyone anything. It only pretends. And it only makes people think you never cared at all. So I don't understand why, in real life or online, people pretend.
I guess it just isn't my style.
@PrincessPowers - I think at this point people are panicking and many are running where they see others going in mass - which are the big sites of Tumblr, Facebook, Blogspot, WordPress, etc...
Of course we know all those sites have their pros and cons - many would say more "cons" than "pros", haha.
I can see why people would flock to Facebook with it being heavy on the user interaction. However, I'm sure people will soon be discovering all the "cons" there as you pointed out and will seek new vistas.
As you've said, the real feelings will dominate in the end, and anyone who truly appreciated Xanga is going to have a hard time being comfortable at the anti-Xanga.
So do you feel more at home with the Atlantic than the Pacific, or is it any (clean, living) body of water that speaks to you?
I'm with you on not moving xanga to facebook. I don't hate facebook, but I think it's only useful for keeping in touch with people you know IRL. What I want is to blog, and facebook isn't about that. The only thing I could think of would be making a Waiting To Shrug facebook page, and posting blogs as statuses. I've got a wordpress, but I'm not sure about it yet. Where will you be going? I would like to follow you, so please let me know. I have to say that before and after we moved to and from Germany, *I* dropped a lot of my friends. One thing was, they seemed uninterested in me, but I was also dealing with pretty intense depression/anxiety/isolation. Now I wonder, if I had initiated more contact, would that have helped me with those issues? I will never know. Sometimes I debate trying to get back in touch with those old friends, but I don't know how to explain how I felt. It was like I had to withdraw inside myself to protect myself. The ones who I kept? A few really great army wives I met there. There were about five that I really connected with, and we stay in touch. I couldn't deal with not having anything or anyone familiar to me there. Lady was my one lifeline to my past. In all of my previous moves (which weren't far- within Austin or Dallas), I was able to find something to make me feel at home. What I didn't realize at the time was how little things make up your blueprint landscape. For example, how the road looks when you're driving. This includes street signs- what color, shape, language, font they are, how the cars look (the "feel" of American cars' style is different than German), what color the painted lines are, all of those things. How buildings are built, what material is used and what shapes are popular, how seams look on people's clothing (German clothing always looked cheap and flimsy to me), what kind of makeup the women wear, what the sky is like. All of those things were the same or very similar in my Texas moves, so I never felt utterly out of water. Super long comment, I know. I bet you understand what I mean though.
It is really nice to feel like you do.
@SoullFire - I think you're right about the panicking. And it's also interesting to note that I'm not a panicker. Even by profession, I'm not. You can't be, in the medical field. So it's ingrained in me that you don't just react, you first take a moment to take stock and see. It's my first reaction to take vitals, to watch. Not to run. It's not natural for me to see others running, it kind of makes me roll my eyes.
Which I know is rude of me. But there we go.
@WaitingToShrug - I do feel at home in the Atlantic. I don't honestly know the Pacific. I speak of the water like I have a relationship with her, how strange of me. But there we go. I have complete disdain for the Gulf, although I recognize that there are a few beautiful places within her. Which is no where near Texas.
It is the subtlety of the background. I get it, just like you knew I would. On the move over here, once we got to around Alabama, the feel began changing for me. Even just on the road. You see the sky differently when the land is no longer flat. To see hills again? Ohh, you know me, I teared up. It's the difference between seeing a flat canvas portrait of a landscape and standing in one. The earth feels round when the land is shapely. I know there are eyes reading this that don't get it. This isn't for them, you get it.
I don't really look back to friendships I don't take with me, that's just me. People have called me quite harsh for this, but I have been known to say "If I didn't bring you into my present, stay in my past." I don't know why you would owe anyone an explanation for why you did what you, at the time, needed to do - even if it meant dropping them. I recognize that what I'm saying means that I have to acknowledge that others might do the same to me. That's karma. But I don't know how I'd deserve it as someone who would understand transition and accept and ride the ebb and flow of the tide. I'm an ex-surfer ya know. I'm used to rolling with it, waiting patiently when it's not the right time, just enjoying the scene until it is.
I wanted to stay here and pledge to xanga, but so many have already left, I'm afraid it'll be a shell of a place anyway. I would go to wordpress. I haven't done that, though. It's the platform I'd be most likely to transition to, if this sinks. You're the first to really ask me what I'm doing. Did you know that?
*edit
Oh, and Josh and I noticed that the cars were different here, too, the other day. We see more cars like our own. It's like, we belong here more than we ever did in Texas. We never, ever, belonged there. He drives a VW Jetta twin Turbo. He's into Fast and Furious cars, and his is unique as well. He used to race his former car. How many of THOSE do you think were in swamp Texas? None. Yeah. In fact when he had his transmission worked on, they had to use the book. It was the first VW they'd worked on. But we couldn't have safely driven to Houston to the nearest specialist. That was great. (lol)
I don't know why, but it still amuses me to know that you were born in Laguna Hills. I wonder how much that city would've influenced you had you stayed there. By the way, have I ever told you how wonderful of a writer you are? Seriously. The way you described your move from Jacksonville plays out like a scene from a movie. As a matter of fact, I think there are at least a dozen movies who've stolen your life experience because of its inherent heart-tugging.
Anyway, I do understand what you're saying about moving. I've had some experience moving, though nowhere near the same extent as you. My moves were to different parts of L.A. County. Your moves were to different parts of the country. That would be crazy making to me. You continue to have my deepest respect and admiration for all that you've weathered.
As far as the mass exodus, it definitely saddens me. While I'm one of those who won't leave until I'm physically kicked out of Xanga (heaven forbid that actually happening), I do wonder why some people have decided to leave "on their terms" as if they're being fired from a job. But, I don't judge them. I suppose they have their reasons.
I do want to say that Facebook is NOT for blogging. It never has been. I tried to blog on it when I first joined oh so many moons ago and it was horrible. So the Facebook Relocation Programs (those groups setup on Facebook) aren't designed to take the place of Xanga. At least, not the Xangaville group that I set up. I initially created that group in order for people, most of whom were already on Facebook, to stay in touch during those brief moments when Xanga would go offline. With the pending transition to Xanga 2.0, it has become more of a temporary way station as people are making their way to other blogging platforms. I wanted them to be able to tell others where to find them.
For me, I'm heading to Xanga 2.0 and I want you to come with me. I'm not interested in being the guy sitting on his bike as you drive away. If you are even remotely interested in one more move, I'll help you pack. I'll even pay for the gas ($48 fee), and we'll caravan together.
P.S. For the record, I will teach my daughter that while it's okay to kiss mommy and daddy, yes, kissing boys is gross.
I've moved around a lot in my life as well, so I can understand your perspective.
I will be on Xanga as long as it is around. I do have a backup plan, if necessary - but as we all move forward together - we should see Xanga 2.0 be launched and we all get back on track.
This is the best blog I have read on Xanga going 2.0 and I've been reading a lot of them for awhile now; like most of us. I'm only discovering you now and you are an excellent writer. I agree that the pretending that putting masks on doesn't solve anything.
I was going to go to wordpress until I listened to Alex's show with John on Sunday and then went Premium. It's the community that I come out here for. I really feel lucky to read what you have to say and hope you'll go Premium too. As far as anger and hurt go, I'm not angry at anyone for leaving..I am sad that even though we can all forward our contact information we are losing a lot of great members of our community and it won't be the same on Facebook (although i'm out there too) or WordPress .Thanx for writing this insightful piece, the hatred for Xanga as a whole is getting really old.
Zxx
@PrincessPowers - Haha! Swamp Texas. Even as a Texan, I don't like it there. I get the feeling you would have felt much better in San Antonio or Austin than *shudders* Beaumont/coastal area. No beach, but it is hill country (I know what you mean about the land being shapely), and people are a bit more cosmopolitan.
I couldn't stand the sky in Germany. It felt oppressive, like it was pushing down on me. It was too close, so to speak. I suspect that was an effect of the latitude. I'm not pledging to xanga either. TBH, part of the reason is your experience with Momaroo. That was a solid example of the feeling I get that the people in charge don't really pay attention to what the readers want. I'm not about to presume that I could do it better... but other blog sites might be able to. Plus, like you said, it is a shell already. So many people have left, and so many (including me) aren't willing to pay for basic blogging services. I didn't know I was the first one to ask. If you do make a wordpress, let me know your username. Mine is JenniferShrugs. I'm not very active there yet; I am probably going to stay here until it dies. I missed trucks so much overseas! And seeing a mix of different year models. Isn't that weird? But on post, everything seemed either super old or very new, from the AAFES dealer. BMW was also really popular. There weren't many middle-range cars- it was all either cheap or high end, very old or new. Weird.
Also, I don't know why, but sometimes comments don't format the way I want them to. The one above is supposed to be broken up into different thoughts, but the xanga comment box takes only my first "enter", skips an entire line before the next paragraph, and then ignores all subsequent enters. Which makes a big, almost unreadable mass of text. Oh well.
Wow, that's a lot of moving. I never moved as a kid, lived in the same little town that my parents still live in (and my mom's parents) but I have had people move away from me physically and otherwise and it's exactly like you said.
It's definitely an emotional experience the last few weeks and it's interesting to see the different reactions people have had. Some people have gone from negative to positive to very positive. Some are generally negative but not actively so. And some people seem to pop up on every positive post to tell te writer that they are wasting their time and xanga sucks and we're all losers (but they're not even though they're still here).
Xanga is not Facebook and never will be, but I am glad I've been able to get closer to some xangans by interacting with them there. And WordPress will never be xanga either. But if I can keep in contact with the community from here via other platforms, then I'm happy about that.
@leaflesstree - I ask this sincerely, how could you possibly get closer to someone on facebook? It's a shallow substitute that doesn't allow depth. To me, it's an impossibility to "know" someone there.
@PrincessPowers - well true. When you put it that way. I can't say that I really am close with most of my fb "friends". But there were some people I knew only on xanga and didn't know much about their real lives until fb. A lot of it is drivel but some isn't. Just like xanga. I don't tend to have backstabbing friends who post photos of their dinner every night or anything. I find it usually easy to skip the inspirational photos or jokes or cat memes or whatever else and find the stuff I care about. I also find it somewhat cool to know more details about people's daily lives, like what they do. I guess it depends on who you chose to pay attention to.
I don't even know you, and I feel sorry you're feeling so hurt and angry.
I moved every three years as a kid, so not as much as you, but quite a lot. I don't care for Facebook either. My take on the situation is: it's the people, not the platform, I care about. I feel so fortunate that most of the people I love and interact with on a regular basis are on wordpress, because I'm a blogger too and not much of a popularity-contest, one-liner kind of gal. I hope that whether Xanga survives or not, some of the other people I love and interact with will leave me contact information so we can either join up at wordpress or I can keep up with them wherever they land. Moving is hard. Things are in flux right now. Don't despair. It may turn out that the unlikeliest of friends are there for you and that's always a gift.
I know exactly what you're talking about. I've also done a lot of moving, and a lot of losing friends.
I like the way you write. It would be a disaster if you defected to Facebook.
I am PPhilip and I want to be in the medical field and record the miracles and happenings of the medical field. In a way a lot of people are diagnosing how people will change and not change in xanga 2.0. It is not like the 9/11 situation where people react to a disaster afterwards but is like a moving train that you can see meeting its goal or not meeting its goal. When we get off on the new xanga 2.0 there will be a limited amount of fonts that people can use and there will be a limited size for the hard of seeing folks.
My word press I have not gotten used to just one photo per blog entry, but I will use as much photos that I can while the old xanga is still available.
What would I do if I meet the old people I left behind? Hard to say how I would interact. Today was strange interacting with a stranger today. Yes I volunteered to rake/sweep/cleanup and got paid, which is weird me just doing things without being asked.
@PrincessPowers - I know all about the constant moving. I've attended a total of at least 12 schools from the ages of 3-23 years old. LOL! I just turned 31 last month.
Anyway, I don't feel anger towards Xanga. If anything, I'm angry at The Xanga Team, who screwed their users over. They screwed us free users over the most. The team is crazy if they think Xangans are going to pay money to blog about their bad days, lives, relationships, and/any other mundane event in our lives. Xangans with the most severe issues could go pay a shrink to listen to their problems. LOL!
I blog for writing exposure and entertainment purposes, as well as for my own catharsis. Most people on facebook don't give 2 shits about anybody, unless they post the latest bathroom/bedroom selfies, or whatever they choose to do. Even though some of my Xangan friends/subscribers are now on my facebook friends list, we barely communicate with each other because we're doing other things at once.
I'm not sure why so many read anger from this. I don't feel anger at all, so I don't know how it emanated from my words. But, I feel mostly hurt and abandonment (as I stated in the end of my blog). That isn't from a place of anger, rather of disappointment and love.
@RealistMe - I agree completely with your facebook synopsis. Completely. And as for moving and schools, well, when I entered 4th grade, my parents started homeschooling us. So it was much more stable an education after that, no matter how often we moved. I think that helped us.
@PrincessPowers - I've grown up with instability, which has always been frustrating and hard for me to assimilate in schools and in the work place. Before the Xanga announcement, I was already looking for another blogging/social networking site to use because I was trying to see, if I could merge my Xanga account with another site. After the mention of a possible Xanga relaunch, they mentioned it would be for only paid users. I can't speak for everybody, but it's makes me angry. That's like treating us free users as some low lives, who waltzed into a convenience store without shoes and T-shirts on. Xanga 2.0 is basically saying to us free users, no T-shirt, no shoes, no service.
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